Dealing with Death as an Expat | Expat Sam

Death. It’s an unavoidable part of life. We all experience it. But, being an expat and dealing with loss thousands of miles away, can add emotions and complications most of us never even considered. It can hit you in surprising ways, whether it’s an unexpected loss, one that was somewhat expected, a friend, family, or anything in between.

Personal Experience with Loss as an Expat

My mother passed away when I was still in high school, and I had, I guess you could say, a guarded relationship with my father. Three years ago, dad had a minor heart attack and a double-bypass. On top of all that, he was having financial difficulties. My husband, Zach, and I were helping him out as much as we could financial-wise, but it was definitely a burden.

(1/12/64-11/14/03)

Two years ago, we were living in Cairo, Egypt. It became our “thing” that I called him once per week, usually on the weekend. He didn’t have internet at home, so I called his cell phone using Skype. That means that I was the one to contact him; he couldn’t initiate the call. The weekend before my birthday, dad reminded me to call him on that day so that he could wish me a happy birthday. He was very adamant that I didn’t forget. I promised that I would.

I tried calling him on my birthday. No answer. I thought it was really strange, because he felt so strongly about it, but I figured I would just try the next day. When he didn’t answer the next day, I got a sinking feeling in my stomach. I reached out to family in the area to see if they could check in on him. Long story short, dad had passed away. That is why he had not answered my phone calls. Hearing my sister say that dad was dead was gut-wrenching. I was over 6,000 miles away from home, and I felt so helpless.

Being the planner and least emotional sister, I did the only thing I knew how to do at the time. I set up a group chat between me and my two sisters on Facebook. We each took roles: calling family, going to the funeral home, and calling companies to stop services. If I couldn’t be home right away, I could at least do something to help my sisters.

Making Hard Decisions

My birthday was on Monday, we found out about dad on Tuesday, and Thanksgiving was on Thursday. Because Zach and I worked at an American school, we had a long weekend off for the Thanksgiving holiday. For that long weekend, we had planned on doing a five-day live-aboard scuba diving trip. I discussed with my sisters, and we decided that I should do the trip and come home after. Dad was going to be cremated. His body wouldn’t be ready for a service for a few days anyway, especially with the upcoming holiday. There was nothing that I could do at home.

Celebrating Thanksgiving on our Dive Trip - Just Days After Dad Died

While I had some sad moments on the trip, I really think being on the water, in a boat, away from technology, and (mostly) alone with my thoughts was extremely cathartic. It was just what I needed before making the long journey home and dealing with the emotions of being around friends and family after the death of my father.

Dealing with Emotions

People experience a lot of emotions when it comes to death. However, an expat might experience emotions differently than if they had been living closer to home. For me, I felt two emotions deeply and strongly: guilt and relief. I felt so guilty, because the last time I saw my father was fifteen months before he died - the day before we left to go to Egypt. I had called him almost weekly and sent pictures, but I hadn’t seen him in over a year. This made me feel like a terrible daughter. I also felt relieved. That makes me sound like a pretty terrible person, doesn’t it? I was tired of worrying about dad - health-wise and financially. Since he was gone, I wouldn’t have to worry anymore since he was gone.

Regardless of the loss, it is important to know that you are allowed to feel any emotion that you experience without feeling guilty about it. Grieve however you want or need to, as long as it isn’t harmful to you or anyone else.

How to Prepare for Death While Living Abroad

Obviously, there is no way to fully prepare for death. Zach and I have talked about it though and have discussed the best ways to deal with it while abroad. Here are three things that we have done.

Lists

Zach and I have made lists of people we would go home for in the event of a death or serious illness. When do we both go home? When does just one of us leave? Sounds gruesome, doesn’t it? However, we know that we can’t fly home every time someone we know passes away.

Though we have that list, we are also aware enough to know that grief isn’t simple. If death does occur, and one of us feels compelled to go, that’s okay too. And that’s just what happened last November. (November kind of sucks for us when it comes to losing people.) Zach had a family member pass away, and this person wasn’t on the list of people we would fly home for. In order to grieve properly, Zach felt that he needed to go home, so he did.

Money

Zach was able to fly home, because in addition to having a savings, we have set aside money for emergency travel home. Before Egypt, we lived in South Korea. While both countries are safe to live in, it is always a good idea to have enough money to leave if something were to go sideways.

This also applies to going back home for personal emergencies. Depending on where you live and where “home” is, it can cost thousands of dollars to make that trip. It’s always a good idea to have a little extra set aside so that you don’t have to carry the burden of worrying about money as well as grieving.

Lean on Friends but it’s Also Okay to be Alone

When I found out my dad died, I reached out to my friends in Egypt via our WhatsApp group chat. I let them know what had happened. I told them that I was okay, but that I didn’t want to talk about it until I was ready. They were all really respectful of my wishes. All I needed was a night’s sleep. The next day, I was able to talk to them about it. While on the diving trip, I let the other divers know that, while on the boat, if I left the group, I was just needing to be away from others.

Being an expat can be hard at times. Experiencing the death of a loved one back home can be one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through. It’s okay to feel all the feelings...it’s okay to not go home...it’s okay to go home...it’s okay to seek solace in friends...it’s okay.

Have any of you ever experienced loss as an expat? Can you relate to my experience? Did you react or do things differently? Please comment below. I would love to hear what helped you during your difficult time. Maybe we can help others who are currently dealing with grief and loss as an expat.